all right I want to see a show of hands
how many of you have unfriended someone
on Facebook because they said something
offensive about politics or religion
child care food and how many of you know
at least one person that you avoid
because you just don't want to talk to
them you know it used to be that in
order to have a polite conversation we
just had to follow the advice of Henry
Higgins in my fair lady stick to the
weather and your health but these days
with climate change in anti-vaccine
those subjects are not safe either
so this world that we live in this world
in which every conversation has the
potential to devolve into an argument
where our politicians can't speak to one
another and where even the most trivial
of issues have someone fighting both
passionately for it and against it it's
not normal pew research did a study of
10,000 American adults and they found
that at this moment we are more
polarized we are more divided than we
ever have been in history we're less
likely to compromise which means we're
not listening to each other and we make
decisions about where to live who to
marry and even who our friends are going
to be based on what we already believe
again that means we're not listening to
each other a conversation requires a
balance between talking and listening
and somewhere along the way we lost that
balance now part of that is due to
technology the smart phones that you all
either have in your hands or close
enough that you could grab them really
quickly according to Pew Research about
a third of American teenagers send more
than a hundred texts a day and many of
them almost most of them are more likely
to text their friends than they are to
talk to them face to face there's this
great piece in the Atlantic it was
written by a high school teacher named
Paul Barnwell and he gave his kids a
communication project he wanted to teach
him how to speak on a specific subject
without using notes and he said this I
came to realize
I came to realize that conversational
competence might be the single most
overlooked skill we fail to teach kids
spend hours each day engaging with ideas
and each other through screens but
rarely do they have an opportunity to
hone their interpersonal communication
skills it might sound like a funny
question but we have to ask ourselves is
there any 21st century skill more
important than being able to sustain
sustained coherent confident
conversation now I make my living
talking to people Nobel Prize winners
truck drivers billionaires kindergarten
teachers heads of state plumbers I talk
to people that I like I talk to people
that I don't like I talked to some
people that I disagree with deeply on a
personal level but I still have a great
conversation with them so I'd like to
spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching
you how to talk and how to listen many
of you have already heard a lot of
advice on this things like look the
person in the eye think of interesting
things topics to discuss in advance
look nod and smile the show that you're
paying attention repeat back what you
just heard or summarize it so I want you
to forget all of that it is crap
there is no reason to learn how to show
you're paying attention if you are in
fact paying attention now I actually use
the exact same skills as a professional
interviewer that I do in regular life so
I'm going to teach you how to interview
people and that's actually going to help
you learn how to be better conversations
learn to have a conversation without
wasting your time without getting bored
and please God without offending anybody
we've all had really great conversations
we've had them before we know what it's
like the kind of conversation when you
walk away feeling engaged and inspired
or where you feel like you've made a
real connection or you've been perfectly
understood there is no reason why most
of your interactions can't be like that
so I have 10 basic rules I'm going to
walk you through all of them but
honestly if you just choose one of them
and master it
you're already enjoy better
conversations number one don't multitask
and I don't mean just set down your cell
phone or your tablet or your car keys or
whatever's in your hand I mean be
present be in that moment
don't be thinking about your argument
you have with your boss don't be
thinking about what you're going to have
for dinner if you want to get out of the
conversation get out of the conversation
but don't be half in it and half out of
it number two don't pontificate if you
wanted to state your opinion without any
opportunity for response or argument or
pushback or gross write a blog now
there's a really good reason why I don't
allow pundits on my show because they're
really boring if they are conservative
they're going to hate Obama and food
stamps and abortion if they're a liberal
or they're going to hate big banks and
oil corporations and Dick Cheney totally
predictable and you don't want to be
like that you need to enter every
conversation assuming that you have
something to learn the famed therapist
Emma Scott Peck said that true listening
requires a setting aside of oneself and
sometimes that means setting aside your
personal opinion he
said that sensing this acceptance the
speaker will become less and less
vulnerable and more and more likely to
open up the inner recesses of his or her
mind to the listener again assume that
you have something to learn
Bill Nye everyone you will ever meet
know something that you don't I put it
this way everybody is an expert in
something number three use open-ended
questions in this case take a cue from
journalists start your questions with
who what where when why or how if you
put in a complicated question you're
going to get a simple answer out if I
ask you were you terrified you're going
to respond to the most powerful word in
that sentence which is terrified and the
answer is yes I was er no I wasn't were
you angry yes I was very angry let them
describe it very ones that no try asking
them things like what was that like how
did that feel because then they might
have to stop for a moment and think
about it and you're going to get a much
more interesting response number four go
with the flow that means thoughts will
come into your mind and you need to let
them go out of your mind
we've heard interviews often in which a
guest is talking for several minutes and
then the host comes back in and asked a
question which seems like it comes out
of nowhere or it's already been answered
that means the host probably stopped
listening two minutes ago because he
thought of this really clever question
and he was just bound and determined to
say that and we do the exact same thing
we're sitting there having a
conversation with someone and then we
remember that time that we met Hugh
Jackman in a coffee shop
and we stopped listening stories and
ideas are going to come to you you need
to let them come and let them go number
five if you don't know say that you
don't know now people on the radio
especially on NPR are much more aware
that they're going on the record and so
they're more careful about what they
claim to be an expert in and what they
claim to know for sure do that err on
the side of caution talk should not be
cheap number six don't equate your
experience with theirs if they're
talking about having lost a family
member
don't start talking about the time that
you lost a family member if you're
talking about the trouble that they're
having at work don't tell them about how
much you hate job it's not the same it
is never the same all experiences are
individual and more importantly it is
not about you you don't need to take
that moment to prove how amazing you are
or how much you've suffered somebody
asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ
was and he says I have no idea people
who brag about their IQs or losers
conversations are not a promotional
opportunity number seven try not to
repeat yourself it's condescending and
it's really boring and we tend to do it
a lot especially in work conversations
or in conversations with our kids we
have a point to make so we just keep
rephrasing it over and over don't do
that
number eight stay out of the weeds
frankly people don't care about the
years the names the dates all those
details that you're struggling to come
up with in your mind they don't care
what they care about is you they care
about what you're like what you have in
common so forget the details leave them
out number nine this is not the last one
but it is the most important one listen
I cannot tell you how many really
important people have said that
listening is perhaps the most the number
one most important skill that you could
develop Buddha said and I'm paraphrasing
if your mouth is open you're not
learning and Calvin Coolidge said no man
ever listened his way
of a job why do we not listen to each
other number one we'd rather talk what
I'm talking I'm in control I don't have
to hear anything I'm not interested in
I'm the center of attention I can
bolster my own identity but there's
another reason we get distracted the
average person talks at about 225 words
per minute but we can listen at up to
500 words per minute so our minds are
filling in those other 275 words and
look I know it takes effort and energy
to actually pay attention to someone but
if you can't do that you're not in a
conversation you're just two people
shouting out barely related sentences in
the same place you have to you have to
listen to one another Stephen Covey said
it very beautifully he said most of us
don't listen with the intent to
understand we listen with the intent to
reply one more rule and Norton and it's
this one be brief
all of this boils down to the same basic
concept and it is this one be interested
in other people you know I grew up with
a very famous grandfather and there was
kind of a ritual in my home people would
come over to talk to my grandparents and
after they would leave my mother would
come home to us and she'd say do you
know who that was
she was the runner-up to Miss America he
was the mayor of Sacramento she won a
Pulitzer Prize he is a Russian ballet
dancer and I started I kind of grew up
assuming everyone has some hidden
amazing thing about them and I honestly
I think it's what makes me a better host
I keep my mouth shut as often as I
possibly can I keep my mind open and I'm
always prepared to be amazed and I'm
never disappointed you do the same thing
go out talk to people listen to people
and most importantly be prepared to be
amazed Thanks