at some point in our lives almost every
one of us will have a heart broken my
patient Cathy planned her wedding when
she was in middle school she would meet
her future husband by age 27 get engaged
a year later and get married a year
after that
but when Cathy turned 27 she didn't find
the husband she found a lump in her
breast she went through many months of
harsh chemotherapy and painful surgeries
and then just as she was ready to jump
back into the dating world she found a
lump in her other breast and had to do
it all over again
Cathy recovered though and she was eager
to resume her search for her husband as
soon as her eyebrows grew back in when
you're going on first dates in New York
City you need to be able to express a
wide range of emotions soon afterwards
she met rich and fell in love the
relationship was everything she hoped it
would be six months later after a lovely
weekend in New England
rich made reservations at their favorite
romantic restaurant Cathy knew he was
going to propose and she could barely
contain her excitement but rich did not
propose to Cathy that night he broke up
with her as deeply as he cared for Cathy
and he did he simply wasn't in love
Cathy was shattered her heart was truly
broken and she now faced yet another
recovery but five months after the
break-up
Cathy still couldn't stop thinking about
rich her heart was still very much
broken the question is why why was this
incredibly strong and determined woman
unable to marshal the same emotional
resources that got her through four
years of cancer treatments why do so
many of us flounder when we're trying to
recover from heartbreak why do the same
coping mechanisms that get us through
all kinds of life challenges
fail us so miserably when our heart gets
broken in over 20 years of private
practice I've seen people of every age
and background face every manner of
heartbreak and what I've learned is this
when your heart is broken the same
instincts you ordinarily rely on will
time and again lead you down the wrong
path
you simply cannot trust what your mind
is telling you for example we know from
studies of heartbroken people that
having a clear understanding of why the
relationship ended is really important
for our ability to move on yet time and
again when we are offered a simple and
honest explanation like the one rich
offered Kathy we've rejected heartbreak
creates such dramatic emotional pain our
mind tells us the cause must be equally
dramatic and that gut instinct is so
powerful it can make even the most
reasonable and measure of us come up
with mysteries and conspiracy theories
where none exists
Kathy became convinced something must
have happened during her romantic
getaway with rich that soured him on a
relationship and she became obsessed
with figuring out what that was and so
she spent countless hours going through
every minute of that weekend in her mind
searching her memory for clues that were
not there Kathy's mind tricked her into
initiating this wild goose chase but
what compelled her to commit to it for
so many months heartbreak is far more
insidious than we realize there is a
reason we keep going down one rabbit
hole after another even when we know
it's going to make us feel worse brain
studies have shown that the withdrawal
of romantic love activates the same
mechanisms in our brain that get
activated when addicts are withdrawing
from substances like cocaine or opioids
Kathy was going through withdrawal and
since she could not have the heroin of
actually being with rich her unconscious
mind shows the method
of her memories with him her instincts
told her she was trying to solve a
mystery
but what she was actually doing was
getting her fix this is what makes
heartbreak so difficult to heal and it's
know they're addicted they know when
they're shooting up that the heartbroken
people do not but you do now and if your
heart is broken you cannot ignore that
you have to recognize that as compelling
as the urge is with every trip down
memory lane every text you send every
second you spend stoking your ex on
social media you are just feeding your
addiction deepening your emotional pain
and complicating your recovery getting
of the heartbreak is not a journey it's
a fight and your reason is your
strongest weapon
there is no breakup explanation that's
going to feel satisfying no rationale
can take away the pain you feel so don't
search for one don't wait for one just
accept the one you were offered or make
upon yourself and then put the question
to rest because you need that closure to
resist the addiction and you need
something else as well you have to be
willing to let go to accept that it's
over otherwise your mind will feed on
your hope and set you back hope can be
incredibly destructive when your heart
is broken heartbreak is a master
manipulator the ease with which it gets
our mind to do the absolute opposite of
what we need in order to recover is
remarkable one of the most common
tendencies we have when our heart is
broken is to idealize the person who
broke it we spend hours remembering
their smile how great they made us feel
that time we hiked up the mountain and
made love under the stars all that does
is make our loss feel more painful we
know that yet we still allow our mind to
cycle through one greatest hit after
another like we were being
hostage by our own passive-aggressive
Spotify playlist heartbreak will make
those thoughts pop into your mind and so
to avoid idealizing you have to balance
them out by remembering their frown not
to stare smile how bad they made you
feel the fact that after the lovemaking
you got lost coming down the mountain
argued like crazy and didn't speak for
two days what I tell my patients is to
compile an exhaustive list of all the
ways the person was wrong for you all
the bad qualities all the pet peeves and
then keep it on your phone and once you
have your list you have to use it
when I hear even a hint of idealizing or
the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a
session I go from please your mind will
try to tell you they were perfect but
they were not and neither was the
relationship and if you want to get over
them you have to remind yourself of that
frequently none of us is immune to
heartbreak my patient Miguel was a 56
year old senior executive in a software
company five years after his wife died
he finally felt ready to start dating
again
he soon met Sharon and a whirlwind
romance ensued they introduced each
other to their adult children after one
month and they moved in together after
two when middle aged people date they
don't mess around
it's like Love Actually Meets The Fast
and the Furious
Miguel was happier than he had been in
years
but the night before the first
anniversary Sharon left him she had
decided to move to the west coast to me
closer to her children and she didn't
want a long-distance relationship
Miguel was totally blindsided and
utterly devastated he barely functioned
at work for many many months and he
almost lost his job as a result another
consequence of heartbreak is that
feeling alone and in pain can
significantly impair our intellectual
functioning
especially when performing complex tasks
involving logic and reasoning it
temporarily lowers our IQ but it wasn't
just the intensity of Miguel's grief
that confused his employers it was the
duration
Miguel was confused by this as well and
really quite embarrassed by it
what's wrong with me he asked me in our
session what a dolt spends almost a year
getting over a one-year relationship
actually many do heartbreak shares all
the hallmarks of traditional loss and
grief insomnia intrusive thoughts immune
system dysfunction 40% of people
experience clinically measurable
depression heartbreak is a complex
psychological injury it impacts us in a
multitude of ways for example Sharon was
both very social and very active
she had dinners at the house every week
she and Miguel went on camping trips
with other couples
although Miguel was not religious he
accompanied Sharon to church every
Sunday where he was welcomed into the
congregation Miguel didn't just lose his
girlfriend he lost his entire social
life the supportive community of
Sharon's church he lost his identity as
a couple now Miguel recognized the
break-up had left this huge void in his
life but what he failed to recognize is
that it left far more than just one and
that is crucial not just because it
explains why heartbreak could be so
devastating but because it tells us how
to heal to fix your broken heart you
have to identify these voids in your
life and fill them and I mean all of
them the voids in your identity you have
to re-establish who you are and what
your life is about the boys in your
social life
the missing activities even the empty
spaces of the wall where pictures used
to hang but none of that will do any
good unless you prevent the mistakes
that can set you back the unnecessary
searches for explanations idealizing
your ex instead of focusing on how they
were wrong for you
indulge in thoughts and behaviors that
still give them a starring role in this
next chapter of your life when they
shouldn't be an extra getting over
heartbreak is hard but you refuse to be
misled by your mind and you take steps
to heal you can significantly minimize
your suffering and it won't just be you
who benefit from that you'll be more
present with your friends more engaged
with your family not to mention the
billions of dollars of a compromised
productivity in the workplace that could
be avoided so if you know someone who's
heartbroken have compassion because
social support has been found to be
important for their recovery and have
patience because it's going to take them
longer to move on than you think it
should and if you're hurting know this
it's difficult it is a battle within
your own mind and you have to be
diligent to win but you do have weapons
you can fight and you will heal thank
you
[Applause]