I was a blue-eyed chubby cheeked
five-year-old when I joined my family on
the picket line for the first time my
mom made me leave my dolls on the
minivan I stay on a street corner and
the heavy Kansas humidity surrounded by
a few dozen relatives with my tiny fists
clutching a sign that I couldn't read
yet gays are worthy of death this was
the beginning our protest soon became a
daily occurrence and an international
phenomenon and as a member of Westboro
Baptist Church I became a fixture on
picket lines across the country the end
of my anti-gay picketing career and life
as I knew it came 20 years later
triggered in part by strangers on
Twitter who showed me the power of
engage in the other in my home life was
framed as an epic spiritual battle
between good and evil the good was my
church and its members and the evil was
everyone else my church's antics were
such that we were constantly at odds
with the world and that reinforced our
other nests on a daily basis make a
difference between the unclean and the
clean the verse says and so we did from
baseball games to military funerals we
trekked across the country with neon
protest signs in hand to tell others
exactly how unclean they were and
exactly why they were headed for
damnation
this was the focus of our whole life
this was the only way for me to do good
in a world that fits in Satan's lap and
like the rest of my ten siblings I
believed what I was taught with all my
heart and I pursued Westroads agenda
with a special sort of zeal in 2009 that
zeal brought me to Twitter initially the
people I encountered on the platform
were just as hostile as I expected they
were the digital version of the
screaming hordes I've been seeing at
protests since I was a kid but in the
midst of that digital brawl a strange
pattern developed someone would arrive
at my profile with the usual rage and
scorn I would respond with a custom mix
of Bible verses pop-culture references
and smiley faces they would be
understandably confused and caught off
guard but then a conversation would
ensue and it was civil full of genuine
curiosity on both sides how had the
other come to such outrageous
conclusions about the world sometimes
the conversation even bled into
real-life people I sparred with on
Twitter would come out to the picket
line to see me when I protested in their
City a man named David was one such
person he ran a blog called delicious
and after several months of heated but
friendly arguments online he came out to
see me at a picket in New Orleans he
brought me a middle-eastern dessert from
Jerusalem where he lives and I brought
him kosher chocolate and held a God
hates Jews sign there was no confusion
about our positions but the line between
friend and foe was becoming blurred we
started to see each other as human
beings and it changed the way we spoke
to one another it took time but
eventually these conversations plan a
seeds of doubt in me my friends on
Twitter took the time to understand
westeros doctrines and in doing so they
were able to find inconsistencies I'd
missed my entire life why did we
advocate the death penalty for gays when
Jesus said what he who is without sin
cast the first stone how could we claim
to love our neighbor while at the same
time praying for God to destroy them the
truth is that the care shown to me by
these strangers on the Internet was
itself a contradiction it was growing
evidence that people on the other side
were not the demons I'd been led to
believe these realizations were
life-altering once I saw that we were
not the ultimate arbiters of divine
truth but flawed human beings I could
pretend otherwise I couldn't justify our
actions especially our cruel practice of
protesting funerals and celebrating
human tragedy these shifts in my
perspective contributed to a larger
erosion of trust in my church and
eventually it made it impossible
to stay in spite of overwhelming grief
and terror
I left Westboro in 2012 in those days
just after I left the instinct to hide
was almost paralyzing I wanted to hide
from the judgement of my family who I
knew would never speak to me again
people whose thoughts and opinions had
meant everything to me and I wanted to
hide from the world I've rejected for so
long people who had no reason at all to
give me a second chance after a lifetime
of antagonism and yet unbelievably they
did the world had access to my past
because it was all over the Internet
thousands of tweets and hundreds of
interviews everything from local TV news
to the Howard Stern Show but so many
embrace me with open arms anyway I wrote
an apology for the harm I'd caused but I
also knew that an apology could never
undo any of it all I could do was try to
build a new life and find a way somehow
to repair some of the damage people had
every reason to doubt my sincerity but
most of them didn't and given my history
it was more than I could have hoped for
forgiveness and the benefit of the doubt
it still amazes me I spent my first year
away from home addressed with my younger
sister who had chosen to leave with me
we walked into an abyss but we were
shocked to find light and a way forward
in the same communities we targeted for
so long David my Jewish friends from
Twitter invited us to spend time among a
Jewish community in Los Angeles we slept
on couches in the home of a Hasidic
rabbi and his wife and their four kids
the same rabbi that I'd protested three
years earlier with a sign that said your
rabbi is a
we spent long hours talking about
theology and Judaism and life while we
wash dishes in their kosher kitchen and
chopped vegetables for dinner they
treated us like family
they held nothing against us and again I
was astonished that period was full of
turmoil but one part I've returned too
often it's a surprising realization I
had
that time that it was a relief and a
privilege to let go of the harsh
judgment that instinctively ran through
my mind about nearly every person I saw
I realized that now I needed to learn
I needed to listen this has been at the
front of my mind lately because I can't
help but see in our public discourse so
many of the same destructive impulses
that ruled my former church we celebrate
tolerance and diversity more than at any
other time in memory and still we grow
more and more divided we want good
things justice equality freedom dignity
prosperity but the path we've chosen
look so much like the one I walked away
from four years ago we've broken the
world in to us and then only emerging
from our bunkers long enough to lob
rhetorical grenades at the other camp we
write off half the country as out of
touch liberal elites or racist
misogynist bullies no nuance no
complexity no humanity even when someone
does call for empathy and understanding
for the other side the conversation
nearly always devolves into a debate
about who deserves more empathy and just
as I learned to do we routinely refuse
to acknowledge the flaws in our
positions or the merits in our opponents
compromise is anathema we even target
people on our own side when they dare to
question the party line this pact has
brought us cruel sniping deepening
polarization and even outbreaks of
violence
I remember this pass it will not take us
where we want to go what gives me hope
is that we can do something about this
the good news is that as simple and the
bad news is that it's hard we have to
talk and listen to people we disagree
with it's hard because we often can't
fathom how the other side came to their
positions it's hard because righteous
indignation that sense of certainty that
ours is the right side is so seductive
it's hard because it means extending
empathy and compassion to people who
show us hostility and contempt
the impulse to respond in kind is so
tempting but that isn't who we want to
be we can resist and I will always be
inspired to do so by those people I
encountered on Twitter apparent enemies
who became my beloved friends and in the
case of one particularly understanding
and generous guy my husband there was
nothing special about the way I
responded to him what was special was
their approach I thought about it a lot
over the past few years and I found four
things they did differently that made
real conversation possible these four
steps were small but powerful and I do
everything I can to employ them in
difficult conversations today the first
is don't assume bad intent my friends on
Twitter realized that even when my words
were aggressive and offensive I
sincerely believed I was doing the right
thing assuming L mode is almost
instantly cuts us off from truly
understanding why someone does and
believe if they do we forget that
they're a human being with a lifetime of
experience that shapes their mind and we
get stuck on that first wave of anger
and the conversation has a very hard
time ever moving beyond it but when we
assume good or neutral intent we give
our minds a much stronger framework for
dialogue the second is ask questions
when we engage people across ideological
divides asking questions helps us map
the disconnect between our differing
points of view that's important because
we can't present effective arguments if
we don't understand where the other side
is actually coming from and because it
gives them an opportunity to point out
flaws in our positions but asking
questions serves another purpose its
signal to someone that they're being
heard when my friends on Twitter stopped
defusing and started asking questions
I almost automatically mirrored them
their questions gave me room to speak
but they also gave me permission to ask
them questions and to truly hear their
responses it fundamentally changed the
dynamic of our conversation the third is
Icom this takes practice and patience
but it's powerful at West roll I learned
not to care how my manner of speaking
affected others I thought my rightness
justified my rudeness harsh tones raised
voices insults interruptions but that
strategy is ultimately counterproductive
dialing up the volume and the snark is
natural in stressful situations but it
tends to bring the conversation to an
unsatisfactory explosive end when my
husband was still just an anonymous
Twitter acquaintance our discussions
frequently became hard and pointed but
he always refused to escalate instead he
would change the subject he would tell a
joke or recommend a book or gently
excused himself from the conversation we
knew the discussion wasn't over just
paused for a time to bring us back to an
even keel people awesomer meant that
digital communication makes us less
civil but this is one advantage that
online conversations have over in-person
ones we have a buffer of time and space
between us and the people whose ideas we
find so frustrating we can use that
buffer instead of lashing out we can
pause breathe change the subject or walk
away and then come back to it when we're
ready and finally make the argument this
might seem obvious but one side effect
of having strong beliefs is that we
sometimes assume that the value of our
position is or should be obvious and
self-evident that we shouldn't have to
defend our positions because they're so
clearly right and good that if someone
doesn't get it it's their problem but
it's not my job to educate them but if
it were that simple
we would all see things the same way as
kind as my friends on Twitter were if
they hadn't actually made their
arguments it would have been so much
harder for me to see the world in a
different way we are all a product of
our upbringing and our beliefs reflect
our experiences we can't expect others
to spontaneously change their own minds
if we want change we have to make the
case for it
my friends on Twitter didn't abandon
their beliefs or their principles only
their scorn they channeled their
infinitely justifiable offense and came
to me with pointed questions tempered
with kindness and humor they approached
me as a human being and that was more
transformative than two full decades of
outraged disdain and violence I know
that some might not have the time or the
energy or the patience for extensive
engagement but as difficult as it can be
reaching out to someone we disagree with
is an option that is available to all of
us and I sincerely believe that we can
do hard things
not just for them but for us and our
future escalating disgust and
intractable conflict are not what we
want for ourselves or our country or our
next generation my mom said something to
me a few weeks before I left Westboro
when I was desperately hoping there was
a way I could stay with my family people
I have loved with every pulse of my
heart since even before I was that
chubby cheeked five-year-old standing on
a picket line holding a sign I couldn't
read she said you're just a human being
my dear sweet child she was asking me to
be humble not to question but to trust
God and my elders but to me she was
missing the bigger picture there were
all just human beings but we should be
guided by that most basic fact and
approach one another with generosity and
compassion each one of us contributes to
the communities and the cultures and the
societies that we make up the end of
this spiral of rage and blame begins
with one person who refuses to indulge
these destructive seductive impulses we
just have to decide that it's going to
start with us thank you
[Applause]