1 00:00:12,170 --> 00:00:15,770 the last time I heard my son's voice was 2 00:00:15,770 --> 00:00:15,780 the last time I heard my son's voice was 3 00:00:15,780 --> 00:00:18,230 the last time I heard my son's voice was when he walked out the front door on his 4 00:00:18,230 --> 00:00:18,240 when he walked out the front door on his 5 00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:19,570 when he walked out the front door on his way to school 6 00:00:19,570 --> 00:00:19,580 way to school 7 00:00:19,580 --> 00:00:22,480 way to school he called out one word in the darkness 8 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:22,490 he called out one word in the darkness 9 00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:24,160 he called out one word in the darkness bye 10 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:24,170 bye 11 00:00:24,170 --> 00:00:29,419 bye it was April 20 20th 1999 later that 12 00:00:29,419 --> 00:00:29,429 it was April 20 20th 1999 later that 13 00:00:29,429 --> 00:00:32,510 it was April 20 20th 1999 later that morning at Columbine High School my son 14 00:00:32,510 --> 00:00:32,520 morning at Columbine High School my son 15 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,810 morning at Columbine High School my son Dylan and his friend Eric killed 12 16 00:00:35,810 --> 00:00:35,820 Dylan and his friend Eric killed 12 17 00:00:35,820 --> 00:00:39,080 Dylan and his friend Eric killed 12 students and a teacher and wounded more 18 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:39,090 students and a teacher and wounded more 19 00:00:39,090 --> 00:00:41,090 students and a teacher and wounded more than 20 others before taking their own 20 00:00:41,090 --> 00:00:41,100 than 20 others before taking their own 21 00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:45,430 than 20 others before taking their own life 13 innocent people were killed 22 00:00:45,430 --> 00:00:45,440 life 13 innocent people were killed 23 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,900 life 13 innocent people were killed leaving their loved ones in a state of 24 00:00:47,900 --> 00:00:47,910 leaving their loved ones in a state of 25 00:00:47,910 --> 00:00:51,229 leaving their loved ones in a state of grief and trauma others sustained 26 00:00:51,229 --> 00:00:51,239 grief and trauma others sustained 27 00:00:51,239 --> 00:00:54,709 grief and trauma others sustained injuries some resulting in disfigurement 28 00:00:54,709 --> 00:00:54,719 injuries some resulting in disfigurement 29 00:00:54,719 --> 00:00:58,099 injuries some resulting in disfigurement and permanent disability but the 30 00:00:58,099 --> 00:00:58,109 and permanent disability but the 31 00:00:58,109 --> 00:01:00,439 and permanent disability but the enormity of the tragedy can be measured 32 00:01:00,439 --> 00:01:00,449 enormity of the tragedy can be measured 33 00:01:00,449 --> 00:01:02,420 enormity of the tragedy can be measured only by the number of deaths and 34 00:01:02,420 --> 00:01:02,430 only by the number of deaths and 35 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:03,979 only by the number of deaths and injuries that took place 36 00:01:03,979 --> 00:01:03,989 injuries that took place 37 00:01:03,989 --> 00:01:06,760 injuries that took place there's no way to quantify the 38 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:06,770 there's no way to quantify the 39 00:01:06,770 --> 00:01:08,929 there's no way to quantify the psychological damage of those who are in 40 00:01:08,929 --> 00:01:08,939 psychological damage of those who are in 41 00:01:08,939 --> 00:01:12,170 psychological damage of those who are in the school or who took part in rescue or 42 00:01:12,170 --> 00:01:12,180 the school or who took part in rescue or 43 00:01:12,180 --> 00:01:13,450 the school or who took part in rescue or cleanup efforts 44 00:01:13,450 --> 00:01:13,460 cleanup efforts 45 00:01:13,460 --> 00:01:16,100 cleanup efforts there's no way to assess the magnitude 46 00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:16,110 there's no way to assess the magnitude 47 00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:19,340 there's no way to assess the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine especially 48 00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:19,350 of a tragedy like Columbine especially 49 00:01:19,350 --> 00:01:21,350 of a tragedy like Columbine especially when it can be a blueprint for other 50 00:01:21,350 --> 00:01:21,360 when it can be a blueprint for other 51 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,179 when it can be a blueprint for other shooters who go on to commit atrocities 52 00:01:23,179 --> 00:01:23,189 shooters who go on to commit atrocities 53 00:01:23,189 --> 00:01:27,109 shooters who go on to commit atrocities of their own Columbine was a tidal wave 54 00:01:27,109 --> 00:01:27,119 of their own Columbine was a tidal wave 55 00:01:27,119 --> 00:01:29,870 of their own Columbine was a tidal wave and when the crash ended it would take 56 00:01:29,870 --> 00:01:29,880 and when the crash ended it would take 57 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:33,260 and when the crash ended it would take years for the community and for society 58 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:33,270 years for the community and for society 59 00:01:33,270 --> 00:01:37,609 years for the community and for society to comprehend its impact it has taken me 60 00:01:37,609 --> 00:01:37,619 to comprehend its impact it has taken me 61 00:01:37,619 --> 00:01:40,870 to comprehend its impact it has taken me years to try to accept my son's legacy 62 00:01:40,870 --> 00:01:40,880 years to try to accept my son's legacy 63 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:43,700 years to try to accept my son's legacy the cruel behavior that defined the end 64 00:01:43,700 --> 00:01:43,710 the cruel behavior that defined the end 65 00:01:43,710 --> 00:01:45,889 the cruel behavior that defined the end of his life showed me that he was a 66 00:01:45,889 --> 00:01:45,899 of his life showed me that he was a 67 00:01:45,899 --> 00:01:47,690 of his life showed me that he was a completely different person from the one 68 00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:47,700 completely different person from the one 69 00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:52,670 completely different person from the one I knew afterwards people asked how could 70 00:01:52,670 --> 00:01:52,680 I knew afterwards people asked how could 71 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,580 I knew afterwards people asked how could you not know what kind of a mother were 72 00:01:55,580 --> 00:01:55,590 you not know what kind of a mother were 73 00:01:55,590 --> 00:01:58,940 you not know what kind of a mother were you I still ask myself those same 74 00:01:58,940 --> 00:01:58,950 you I still ask myself those same 75 00:01:58,950 --> 00:02:02,300 you I still ask myself those same questions before the shootings I thought 76 00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:02,310 questions before the shootings I thought 77 00:02:02,310 --> 00:02:05,270 questions before the shootings I thought of myself as a good mom helping my 78 00:02:05,270 --> 00:02:05,280 of myself as a good mom helping my 79 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:07,900 of myself as a good mom helping my children become caring healthy 80 00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:07,910 children become caring healthy 81 00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:10,630 children become caring healthy responsible adults was the most 82 00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:10,640 responsible adults was the most 83 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:13,199 responsible adults was the most important role in my life 84 00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:13,209 important role in my life 85 00:02:13,209 --> 00:02:15,599 important role in my life but the tragedy convinced me that I 86 00:02:15,599 --> 00:02:15,609 but the tragedy convinced me that I 87 00:02:15,609 --> 00:02:16,979 but the tragedy convinced me that I failed as a parent 88 00:02:16,979 --> 00:02:16,989 failed as a parent 89 00:02:16,989 --> 00:02:19,860 failed as a parent and it's partially the sense of failure 90 00:02:19,860 --> 00:02:19,870 and it's partially the sense of failure 91 00:02:19,870 --> 00:02:22,610 and it's partially the sense of failure that brings me here today 92 00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:22,620 that brings me here today 93 00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:25,110 that brings me here today aside from his father I was the one 94 00:02:25,110 --> 00:02:25,120 aside from his father I was the one 95 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,660 aside from his father I was the one person who knew and loved Dylan the most 96 00:02:27,660 --> 00:02:27,670 person who knew and loved Dylan the most 97 00:02:27,670 --> 00:02:30,509 person who knew and loved Dylan the most if anyone could have known what was 98 00:02:30,509 --> 00:02:30,519 if anyone could have known what was 99 00:02:30,519 --> 00:02:33,140 if anyone could have known what was happening it should have been me right 100 00:02:33,140 --> 00:02:33,150 happening it should have been me right 101 00:02:33,150 --> 00:02:38,099 happening it should have been me right but I didn't know today I'm here to 102 00:02:38,099 --> 00:02:38,109 but I didn't know today I'm here to 103 00:02:38,109 --> 00:02:39,809 but I didn't know today I'm here to share the experience of what it's like 104 00:02:39,809 --> 00:02:39,819 share the experience of what it's like 105 00:02:39,819 --> 00:02:42,119 share the experience of what it's like to be the mother of someone who kills 106 00:02:42,119 --> 00:02:42,129 to be the mother of someone who kills 107 00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:45,960 to be the mother of someone who kills and hurts for years after the tragedy I 108 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:45,970 and hurts for years after the tragedy I 109 00:02:45,970 --> 00:02:48,990 and hurts for years after the tragedy I comb through memories trying to figure 110 00:02:48,990 --> 00:02:49,000 comb through memories trying to figure 111 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,379 comb through memories trying to figure out exactly where I failed as a parent 112 00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:51,389 out exactly where I failed as a parent 113 00:02:51,389 --> 00:02:55,440 out exactly where I failed as a parent but there are no simple answers I can't 114 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:55,450 but there are no simple answers I can't 115 00:02:55,450 --> 00:02:59,220 but there are no simple answers I can't give you any solutions all I can do is 116 00:02:59,220 --> 00:02:59,230 give you any solutions all I can do is 117 00:02:59,230 --> 00:03:04,199 give you any solutions all I can do is share what I have learned when I talk to 118 00:03:04,199 --> 00:03:04,209 share what I have learned when I talk to 119 00:03:04,209 --> 00:03:05,909 share what I have learned when I talk to people who didn't know me before the 120 00:03:05,909 --> 00:03:05,919 people who didn't know me before the 121 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:08,399 people who didn't know me before the shootings I have three challenges to 122 00:03:08,399 --> 00:03:08,409 shootings I have three challenges to 123 00:03:08,409 --> 00:03:11,970 shootings I have three challenges to meet first when I walk into a room like 124 00:03:11,970 --> 00:03:11,980 meet first when I walk into a room like 125 00:03:11,980 --> 00:03:15,300 meet first when I walk into a room like this I never know if someone there has 126 00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:15,310 this I never know if someone there has 127 00:03:15,310 --> 00:03:18,240 this I never know if someone there has experienced loss because of what my son 128 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:18,250 experienced loss because of what my son 129 00:03:18,250 --> 00:03:21,780 experienced loss because of what my son did I feel a need to acknowledge the 130 00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:21,790 did I feel a need to acknowledge the 131 00:03:21,790 --> 00:03:23,460 did I feel a need to acknowledge the suffering caused by a member of my 132 00:03:23,460 --> 00:03:23,470 suffering caused by a member of my 133 00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,559 suffering caused by a member of my family who wasn't here to do it for 134 00:03:25,559 --> 00:03:25,569 family who wasn't here to do it for 135 00:03:25,569 --> 00:03:26,270 family who wasn't here to do it for himself 136 00:03:26,270 --> 00:03:26,280 himself 137 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:30,899 himself so first with all of my heart I'm sorry 138 00:03:30,899 --> 00:03:30,909 so first with all of my heart I'm sorry 139 00:03:30,909 --> 00:03:36,179 so first with all of my heart I'm sorry if my son has caused you pain the second 140 00:03:36,179 --> 00:03:36,189 if my son has caused you pain the second 141 00:03:36,189 --> 00:03:39,360 if my son has caused you pain the second challenge I have is that I must ask for 142 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:39,370 challenge I have is that I must ask for 143 00:03:39,370 --> 00:03:42,749 challenge I have is that I must ask for understanding and even compassion when I 144 00:03:42,749 --> 00:03:42,759 understanding and even compassion when I 145 00:03:42,759 --> 00:03:45,679 understanding and even compassion when I talk about my son's death as a suicide 146 00:03:45,679 --> 00:03:45,689 talk about my son's death as a suicide 147 00:03:45,689 --> 00:03:49,319 talk about my son's death as a suicide two years before he died he wrote on a 148 00:03:49,319 --> 00:03:49,329 two years before he died he wrote on a 149 00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:51,300 two years before he died he wrote on a piece of paper in a notebook that he was 150 00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:51,310 piece of paper in a notebook that he was 151 00:03:51,310 --> 00:03:54,149 piece of paper in a notebook that he was cutting himself he said that he was in 152 00:03:54,149 --> 00:03:54,159 cutting himself he said that he was in 153 00:03:54,159 --> 00:03:56,429 cutting himself he said that he was in agony and wanted to get a gun so he 154 00:03:56,429 --> 00:03:56,439 agony and wanted to get a gun so he 155 00:03:56,439 --> 00:03:58,800 agony and wanted to get a gun so he could end his life I didn't know about 156 00:03:58,800 --> 00:03:58,810 could end his life I didn't know about 157 00:03:58,810 --> 00:04:01,789 could end his life I didn't know about any of this until months after his death 158 00:04:01,789 --> 00:04:01,799 any of this until months after his death 159 00:04:01,799 --> 00:04:04,199 any of this until months after his death when I talked about his death as a 160 00:04:04,199 --> 00:04:04,209 when I talked about his death as a 161 00:04:04,209 --> 00:04:07,830 when I talked about his death as a suicide I'm not trying to downplay the 162 00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:07,840 suicide I'm not trying to downplay the 163 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,629 suicide I'm not trying to downplay the viciousness he showed at the end of his 164 00:04:09,629 --> 00:04:09,639 viciousness he showed at the end of his 165 00:04:09,639 --> 00:04:13,229 viciousness he showed at the end of his life I'm trying to understand how his 166 00:04:13,229 --> 00:04:13,239 life I'm trying to understand how his 167 00:04:13,239 --> 00:04:17,430 life I'm trying to understand how his suicidal thinking led to murder after a 168 00:04:17,430 --> 00:04:17,440 suicidal thinking led to murder after a 169 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,469 suicidal thinking led to murder after a lot of reading and talking with experts 170 00:04:19,469 --> 00:04:19,479 lot of reading and talking with experts 171 00:04:19,479 --> 00:04:22,350 lot of reading and talking with experts I've come to believe that his 172 00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:22,360 I've come to believe that his 173 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,240 I've come to believe that his involvement in the shootings was rooted 174 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:24,250 involvement in the shootings was rooted 175 00:04:24,250 --> 00:04:26,600 involvement in the shootings was rooted not in his desire to 176 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:26,610 not in his desire to 177 00:04:26,610 --> 00:04:30,720 not in his desire to but in this desire to die the third 178 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:30,730 but in this desire to die the third 179 00:04:30,730 --> 00:04:33,210 but in this desire to die the third challenge I have when I talk about my 180 00:04:33,210 --> 00:04:33,220 challenge I have when I talk about my 181 00:04:33,220 --> 00:04:36,390 challenge I have when I talk about my son's murder-suicide is that I'm talking 182 00:04:36,390 --> 00:04:36,400 son's murder-suicide is that I'm talking 183 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:40,950 son's murder-suicide is that I'm talking about mental health excuse me is that 184 00:04:40,950 --> 00:04:40,960 about mental health excuse me is that 185 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,040 about mental health excuse me is that I'm talking about mental health or brain 186 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:44,050 I'm talking about mental health or brain 187 00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:45,810 I'm talking about mental health or brain health as I prefer to call it because 188 00:04:45,810 --> 00:04:45,820 health as I prefer to call it because 189 00:04:45,820 --> 00:04:48,390 health as I prefer to call it because it's more concrete and in the same 190 00:04:48,390 --> 00:04:48,400 it's more concrete and in the same 191 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,629 it's more concrete and in the same breath I'm talking about violence the 192 00:04:51,629 --> 00:04:51,639 breath I'm talking about violence the 193 00:04:51,639 --> 00:04:53,129 breath I'm talking about violence the last thing I want to do was to 194 00:04:53,129 --> 00:04:53,139 last thing I want to do was to 195 00:04:53,139 --> 00:04:55,140 last thing I want to do was to contribute to the misunderstanding that 196 00:04:55,140 --> 00:04:55,150 contribute to the misunderstanding that 197 00:04:55,150 --> 00:04:57,450 contribute to the misunderstanding that already exists around mental illness 198 00:04:57,450 --> 00:04:57,460 already exists around mental illness 199 00:04:57,460 --> 00:05:01,080 already exists around mental illness only a very small percent of those who 200 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:01,090 only a very small percent of those who 201 00:05:01,090 --> 00:05:04,409 only a very small percent of those who have a mental illness are violent toward 202 00:05:04,409 --> 00:05:04,419 have a mental illness are violent toward 203 00:05:04,419 --> 00:05:09,210 have a mental illness are violent toward other people but of those who die by 204 00:05:09,210 --> 00:05:09,220 other people but of those who die by 205 00:05:09,220 --> 00:05:12,150 other people but of those who die by suicide it's estimated that about 75 to 206 00:05:12,150 --> 00:05:12,160 suicide it's estimated that about 75 to 207 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:15,210 suicide it's estimated that about 75 to maybe more than 90% have a diagnosis of 208 00:05:15,210 --> 00:05:15,220 maybe more than 90% have a diagnosis of 209 00:05:15,220 --> 00:05:17,750 maybe more than 90% have a diagnosis of a mental health condition of some kind 210 00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:17,760 a mental health condition of some kind 211 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:20,400 a mental health condition of some kind as you all know very well our mental 212 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:20,410 as you all know very well our mental 213 00:05:20,410 --> 00:05:22,110 as you all know very well our mental health care system is not equipped to 214 00:05:22,110 --> 00:05:22,120 health care system is not equipped to 215 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:25,020 health care system is not equipped to help everyone and not everyone with 216 00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:25,030 help everyone and not everyone with 217 00:05:25,030 --> 00:05:27,120 help everyone and not everyone with destructive thoughts fits the criteria 218 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:27,130 destructive thoughts fits the criteria 219 00:05:27,130 --> 00:05:31,950 destructive thoughts fits the criteria for a specific diagnosis many who have 220 00:05:31,950 --> 00:05:31,960 for a specific diagnosis many who have 221 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:35,850 for a specific diagnosis many who have ongoing feelings of fear or anger or 222 00:05:35,850 --> 00:05:35,860 ongoing feelings of fear or anger or 223 00:05:35,860 --> 00:05:38,250 ongoing feelings of fear or anger or hopelessness are never assessed or 224 00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:38,260 hopelessness are never assessed or 225 00:05:38,260 --> 00:05:41,280 hopelessness are never assessed or treated too often they get our attention 226 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:41,290 treated too often they get our attention 227 00:05:41,290 --> 00:05:44,070 treated too often they get our attention only if they reach a behavioral crisis 228 00:05:44,070 --> 00:05:44,080 only if they reach a behavioral crisis 229 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:48,120 only if they reach a behavioral crisis if estimates are correct that about one 230 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:48,130 if estimates are correct that about one 231 00:05:48,130 --> 00:05:50,850 if estimates are correct that about one to two percent of all suicides involves 232 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:50,860 to two percent of all suicides involves 233 00:05:50,860 --> 00:05:54,270 to two percent of all suicides involves the murder of another person when 234 00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:54,280 the murder of another person when 235 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,430 the murder of another person when suicide rates rise as they are rising 236 00:05:56,430 --> 00:05:56,440 suicide rates rise as they are rising 237 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,730 suicide rates rise as they are rising for some populations then murder suicide 238 00:05:59,730 --> 00:05:59,740 for some populations then murder suicide 239 00:05:59,740 --> 00:06:03,180 for some populations then murder suicide rates will rise as well I wanted to 240 00:06:03,180 --> 00:06:03,190 rates will rise as well I wanted to 241 00:06:03,190 --> 00:06:05,640 rates will rise as well I wanted to understand what was going on in Dylan's 242 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:05,650 understand what was going on in Dylan's 243 00:06:05,650 --> 00:06:08,909 understand what was going on in Dylan's mind prior to his death so I look for 244 00:06:08,909 --> 00:06:08,919 mind prior to his death so I look for 245 00:06:08,919 --> 00:06:10,680 mind prior to his death so I look for answers from other survivors of suicide 246 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:10,690 answers from other survivors of suicide 247 00:06:10,690 --> 00:06:15,840 answers from other survivors of suicide loss I did research and volunteered to 248 00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:15,850 loss I did research and volunteered to 249 00:06:15,850 --> 00:06:18,240 loss I did research and volunteered to help with fundraising events and 250 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:18,250 help with fundraising events and 251 00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:21,300 help with fundraising events and whenever I could I talked with those who 252 00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:21,310 whenever I could I talked with those who 253 00:06:21,310 --> 00:06:24,390 whenever I could I talked with those who had survived their own suicidal crisis 254 00:06:24,390 --> 00:06:24,400 had survived their own suicidal crisis 255 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,690 had survived their own suicidal crisis or attempt one of the most helpful 256 00:06:27,690 --> 00:06:27,700 or attempt one of the most helpful 257 00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:29,700 or attempt one of the most helpful conversations I had was with a co-worker 258 00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:29,710 conversations I had was with a co-worker 259 00:06:29,710 --> 00:06:32,190 conversations I had was with a co-worker who overheard me talking to someone else 260 00:06:32,190 --> 00:06:32,200 who overheard me talking to someone else 261 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:35,670 who overheard me talking to someone else in my office cubicle she heard me say 262 00:06:35,670 --> 00:06:35,680 in my office cubicle she heard me say 263 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:38,460 in my office cubicle she heard me say that Dylan could not have loved me if he 264 00:06:38,460 --> 00:06:38,470 that Dylan could not have loved me if he 265 00:06:38,470 --> 00:06:40,020 that Dylan could not have loved me if he could do something that's horror 266 00:06:40,020 --> 00:06:40,030 could do something that's horror 267 00:06:40,030 --> 00:06:43,940 could do something that's horror as he did later when she found me alone 268 00:06:43,940 --> 00:06:43,950 as he did later when she found me alone 269 00:06:43,950 --> 00:06:46,470 as he did later when she found me alone she apologized for overhearing that 270 00:06:46,470 --> 00:06:46,480 she apologized for overhearing that 271 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,270 she apologized for overhearing that conversation but told me that I was 272 00:06:48,270 --> 00:06:48,280 conversation but told me that I was 273 00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:51,210 conversation but told me that I was wrong she said that when she was a young 274 00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:51,220 wrong she said that when she was a young 275 00:06:51,220 --> 00:06:54,030 wrong she said that when she was a young single mother with three small children 276 00:06:54,030 --> 00:06:54,040 single mother with three small children 277 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:57,300 single mother with three small children she became severely depressed and was 278 00:06:57,300 --> 00:06:57,310 she became severely depressed and was 279 00:06:57,310 --> 00:07:00,240 she became severely depressed and was hospitalized to keep her safe at the 280 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:00,250 hospitalized to keep her safe at the 281 00:07:00,250 --> 00:07:02,880 hospitalized to keep her safe at the time she was certain that her children 282 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:02,890 time she was certain that her children 283 00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:05,760 time she was certain that her children would be better off if she died so she 284 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:05,770 would be better off if she died so she 285 00:07:05,770 --> 00:07:09,150 would be better off if she died so she had made a plan to end her life she 286 00:07:09,150 --> 00:07:09,160 had made a plan to end her life she 287 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,070 had made a plan to end her life she assured me that a mother's love was the 288 00:07:11,070 --> 00:07:11,080 assured me that a mother's love was the 289 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,440 assured me that a mother's love was the strongest bond on earth and that she 290 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:13,450 strongest bond on earth and that she 291 00:07:13,450 --> 00:07:15,330 strongest bond on earth and that she loved her children more than anything in 292 00:07:15,330 --> 00:07:15,340 loved her children more than anything in 293 00:07:15,340 --> 00:07:19,140 loved her children more than anything in the world but because of her illness she 294 00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:19,150 the world but because of her illness she 295 00:07:19,150 --> 00:07:20,610 the world but because of her illness she was sure that they would be better off 296 00:07:20,610 --> 00:07:20,620 was sure that they would be better off 297 00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:24,960 was sure that they would be better off without her what she said and what I've 298 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:24,970 without her what she said and what I've 299 00:07:24,970 --> 00:07:27,030 without her what she said and what I've learned from others is that we do not 300 00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:27,040 learned from others is that we do not 301 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:30,990 learned from others is that we do not make the so-called decision or choice to 302 00:07:30,990 --> 00:07:31,000 make the so-called decision or choice to 303 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,450 make the so-called decision or choice to die by suicide in the same way that we 304 00:07:33,450 --> 00:07:33,460 die by suicide in the same way that we 305 00:07:33,460 --> 00:07:35,970 die by suicide in the same way that we choose what car to drive or where to go 306 00:07:35,970 --> 00:07:35,980 choose what car to drive or where to go 307 00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:39,210 choose what car to drive or where to go on a Saturday night when someone is in 308 00:07:39,210 --> 00:07:39,220 on a Saturday night when someone is in 309 00:07:39,220 --> 00:07:41,880 on a Saturday night when someone is in an extremely suicidal state they are in 310 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:41,890 an extremely suicidal state they are in 311 00:07:41,890 --> 00:07:45,810 an extremely suicidal state they are in a stage for medical health emergency 312 00:07:45,810 --> 00:07:45,820 a stage for medical health emergency 313 00:07:45,820 --> 00:07:48,300 a stage for medical health emergency you're thinking is impaired and they've 314 00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:48,310 you're thinking is impaired and they've 315 00:07:48,310 --> 00:07:51,620 you're thinking is impaired and they've lost access to tools of self-governance 316 00:07:51,620 --> 00:07:51,630 lost access to tools of self-governance 317 00:07:51,630 --> 00:07:54,150 lost access to tools of self-governance even though they can make a plan and ask 318 00:07:54,150 --> 00:07:54,160 even though they can make a plan and ask 319 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,880 even though they can make a plan and ask this logic their sense of truth is 320 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:56,890 this logic their sense of truth is 321 00:07:56,890 --> 00:07:59,760 this logic their sense of truth is distorted by a filter of pain through 322 00:07:59,760 --> 00:07:59,770 distorted by a filter of pain through 323 00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:03,120 distorted by a filter of pain through which they interpret their reality some 324 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:03,130 which they interpret their reality some 325 00:08:03,130 --> 00:08:05,430 which they interpret their reality some people can be very good at hiding this 326 00:08:05,430 --> 00:08:05,440 people can be very good at hiding this 327 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,860 people can be very good at hiding this state and they often have good reasons 328 00:08:07,860 --> 00:08:07,870 state and they often have good reasons 329 00:08:07,870 --> 00:08:12,120 state and they often have good reasons for doing that many of us have suicidal 330 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:12,130 for doing that many of us have suicidal 331 00:08:12,130 --> 00:08:15,060 for doing that many of us have suicidal thoughts at some point but persistent 332 00:08:15,060 --> 00:08:15,070 thoughts at some point but persistent 333 00:08:15,070 --> 00:08:18,330 thoughts at some point but persistent ongoing thoughts of suicide and devising 334 00:08:18,330 --> 00:08:18,340 ongoing thoughts of suicide and devising 335 00:08:18,340 --> 00:08:21,450 ongoing thoughts of suicide and devising a means to die our symptoms of pathology 336 00:08:21,450 --> 00:08:21,460 a means to die our symptoms of pathology 337 00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:24,719 a means to die our symptoms of pathology and like many illnesses the condition 338 00:08:24,719 --> 00:08:24,729 and like many illnesses the condition 339 00:08:24,729 --> 00:08:27,659 and like many illnesses the condition has to be recognized and treated before 340 00:08:27,659 --> 00:08:27,669 has to be recognized and treated before 341 00:08:27,669 --> 00:08:31,860 has to be recognized and treated before a life is lost but my son's death was 342 00:08:31,860 --> 00:08:31,870 a life is lost but my son's death was 343 00:08:31,870 --> 00:08:35,010 a life is lost but my son's death was not purely a suicide it involves mass 344 00:08:35,010 --> 00:08:35,020 not purely a suicide it involves mass 345 00:08:35,020 --> 00:08:39,899 not purely a suicide it involves mass murder I wanted to know how his suicidal 346 00:08:39,899 --> 00:08:39,909 murder I wanted to know how his suicidal 347 00:08:39,909 --> 00:08:44,490 murder I wanted to know how his suicidal thinking became homicidal but research 348 00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:44,500 thinking became homicidal but research 349 00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:46,380 thinking became homicidal but research is sparse and there are no simple 350 00:08:46,380 --> 00:08:46,390 is sparse and there are no simple 351 00:08:46,390 --> 00:08:50,100 is sparse and there are no simple answers yes he probably had ongoing 352 00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:50,110 answers yes he probably had ongoing 353 00:08:50,110 --> 00:08:52,050 answers yes he probably had ongoing depression 354 00:08:52,050 --> 00:08:52,060 depression 355 00:08:52,060 --> 00:08:55,160 depression he had a personality that was 356 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:55,170 he had a personality that was 357 00:08:55,170 --> 00:08:58,490 he had a personality that was perfectionistic and self-reliant and 358 00:08:58,490 --> 00:08:58,500 perfectionistic and self-reliant and 359 00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:02,070 perfectionistic and self-reliant and that made him less likely to seek help 360 00:09:02,070 --> 00:09:02,080 that made him less likely to seek help 361 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,400 that made him less likely to seek help from others he had experience triggering 362 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:05,410 from others he had experience triggering 363 00:09:05,410 --> 00:09:07,920 from others he had experience triggering events at the school that left him 364 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:07,930 events at the school that left him 365 00:09:07,930 --> 00:09:12,740 events at the school that left him feeling debased and humiliated and mad 366 00:09:12,740 --> 00:09:12,750 feeling debased and humiliated and mad 367 00:09:12,750 --> 00:09:17,580 feeling debased and humiliated and mad and he had a complicated friendship with 368 00:09:17,580 --> 00:09:17,590 and he had a complicated friendship with 369 00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:19,980 and he had a complicated friendship with a boy who shared his feelings of rage 370 00:09:19,980 --> 00:09:19,990 a boy who shared his feelings of rage 371 00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:23,150 a boy who shared his feelings of rage and alienation and who was seriously 372 00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:23,160 and alienation and who was seriously 373 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:27,740 and alienation and who was seriously disturbed controlling and homicidal and 374 00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:27,750 disturbed controlling and homicidal and 375 00:09:27,750 --> 00:09:30,960 disturbed controlling and homicidal and on top of this period in his life of 376 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:30,970 on top of this period in his life of 377 00:09:30,970 --> 00:09:34,580 on top of this period in his life of extreme vulnerability and fragility 378 00:09:34,580 --> 00:09:34,590 extreme vulnerability and fragility 379 00:09:34,590 --> 00:09:38,040 extreme vulnerability and fragility Dylan found access to guns even though 380 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:38,050 Dylan found access to guns even though 381 00:09:38,050 --> 00:09:41,130 Dylan found access to guns even though we'd never owned any in our home it was 382 00:09:41,130 --> 00:09:41,140 we'd never owned any in our home it was 383 00:09:41,140 --> 00:09:44,160 we'd never owned any in our home it was appallingly easy for a 17 year old boy 384 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:44,170 appallingly easy for a 17 year old boy 385 00:09:44,170 --> 00:09:47,820 appallingly easy for a 17 year old boy to buy guns both legally and illegally 386 00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:47,830 to buy guns both legally and illegally 387 00:09:47,830 --> 00:09:51,440 to buy guns both legally and illegally without my permission or knowledge and 388 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:51,450 without my permission or knowledge and 389 00:09:51,450 --> 00:09:55,470 without my permission or knowledge and somehow 17 years in many school 390 00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:55,480 somehow 17 years in many school 391 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:58,170 somehow 17 years in many school shootings later it's still appallingly 392 00:09:58,170 --> 00:09:58,180 shootings later it's still appallingly 393 00:09:58,180 --> 00:10:03,030 shootings later it's still appallingly easy what Dylan did that day broke my 394 00:10:03,030 --> 00:10:03,040 easy what Dylan did that day broke my 395 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:07,260 easy what Dylan did that day broke my heart and as trauma so often does it 396 00:10:07,260 --> 00:10:07,270 heart and as trauma so often does it 397 00:10:07,270 --> 00:10:10,550 heart and as trauma so often does it took a toll on my body and on my mind 398 00:10:10,550 --> 00:10:10,560 took a toll on my body and on my mind 399 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,900 took a toll on my body and on my mind two years after the shootings I got 400 00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:12,910 two years after the shootings I got 401 00:10:12,910 --> 00:10:16,500 two years after the shootings I got breast cancer and two years after that I 402 00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:16,510 breast cancer and two years after that I 403 00:10:16,510 --> 00:10:19,880 breast cancer and two years after that I began to have mental health problems on 404 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:19,890 began to have mental health problems on 405 00:10:19,890 --> 00:10:23,340 began to have mental health problems on top of the constant perpetual grief I 406 00:10:23,340 --> 00:10:23,350 top of the constant perpetual grief I 407 00:10:23,350 --> 00:10:26,640 top of the constant perpetual grief I was terrified but I would run into a 408 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:26,650 was terrified but I would run into a 409 00:10:26,650 --> 00:10:28,440 was terrified but I would run into a family member of someone Dylan had 410 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:28,450 family member of someone Dylan had 411 00:10:28,450 --> 00:10:32,250 family member of someone Dylan had killed or be accosted by depressed or by 412 00:10:32,250 --> 00:10:32,260 killed or be accosted by depressed or by 413 00:10:32,260 --> 00:10:36,240 killed or be accosted by depressed or by an angry citizen I was afraid to turn on 414 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:36,250 an angry citizen I was afraid to turn on 415 00:10:36,250 --> 00:10:39,210 an angry citizen I was afraid to turn on the news afraid to hear myself being 416 00:10:39,210 --> 00:10:39,220 the news afraid to hear myself being 417 00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:41,760 the news afraid to hear myself being called a terrible parent or a disgusting 418 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:41,770 called a terrible parent or a disgusting 419 00:10:41,770 --> 00:10:48,380 called a terrible parent or a disgusting person I started having a panic attack 420 00:10:48,380 --> 00:10:48,390 person I started having a panic attack 421 00:10:48,390 --> 00:10:52,230 person I started having a panic attack the first bout started four years after 422 00:10:52,230 --> 00:10:52,240 the first bout started four years after 423 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,510 the first bout started four years after the shootings when I was getting ready 424 00:10:54,510 --> 00:10:54,520 the shootings when I was getting ready 425 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,610 the shootings when I was getting ready for the depositions and would have to 426 00:10:56,610 --> 00:10:56,620 for the depositions and would have to 427 00:10:56,620 --> 00:10:58,700 for the depositions and would have to meet the victims families face to face 428 00:10:58,700 --> 00:10:58,710 meet the victims families face to face 429 00:10:58,710 --> 00:11:01,530 meet the victims families face to face the second round started six years after 430 00:11:01,530 --> 00:11:01,540 the second round started six years after 431 00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:04,140 the second round started six years after the shootings when I was preparing to 432 00:11:04,140 --> 00:11:04,150 the shootings when I was preparing to 433 00:11:04,150 --> 00:11:05,820 the shootings when I was preparing to speak publicly about 434 00:11:05,820 --> 00:11:05,830 speak publicly about 435 00:11:05,830 --> 00:11:07,680 speak publicly about suicide for the first time at a 436 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:07,690 suicide for the first time at a 437 00:11:07,690 --> 00:11:11,250 suicide for the first time at a conference both episodes lasted several 438 00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:11,260 conference both episodes lasted several 439 00:11:11,260 --> 00:11:16,290 conference both episodes lasted several weeks the attacks happened everywhere in 440 00:11:16,290 --> 00:11:16,300 weeks the attacks happened everywhere in 441 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:20,130 weeks the attacks happened everywhere in the hardware store in my office or even 442 00:11:20,130 --> 00:11:20,140 the hardware store in my office or even 443 00:11:20,140 --> 00:11:23,190 the hardware store in my office or even while reading a book in bed my mind 444 00:11:23,190 --> 00:11:23,200 while reading a book in bed my mind 445 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,340 while reading a book in bed my mind would suddenly lock into the same cycle 446 00:11:26,340 --> 00:11:26,350 would suddenly lock into the same cycle 447 00:11:26,350 --> 00:11:29,430 would suddenly lock into the same cycle of terror and no matter how hard I tried 448 00:11:29,430 --> 00:11:29,440 of terror and no matter how hard I tried 449 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:33,150 of terror and no matter how hard I tried to calm myself down or reason my way out 450 00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:33,160 to calm myself down or reason my way out 451 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:37,290 to calm myself down or reason my way out of it I couldn't do it it felt as if my 452 00:11:37,290 --> 00:11:37,300 of it I couldn't do it it felt as if my 453 00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:40,260 of it I couldn't do it it felt as if my brain was trying to kill me and then 454 00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:40,270 brain was trying to kill me and then 455 00:11:40,270 --> 00:11:42,420 brain was trying to kill me and then being afraid of being afraid 456 00:11:42,420 --> 00:11:42,430 being afraid of being afraid 457 00:11:42,430 --> 00:11:45,630 being afraid of being afraid consumed all of my thoughts that's when 458 00:11:45,630 --> 00:11:45,640 consumed all of my thoughts that's when 459 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:47,760 consumed all of my thoughts that's when I learned firsthand what it feels like 460 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:47,770 I learned firsthand what it feels like 461 00:11:47,770 --> 00:11:50,940 I learned firsthand what it feels like to have a malfunctioning mind and that's 462 00:11:50,940 --> 00:11:50,950 to have a malfunctioning mind and that's 463 00:11:50,950 --> 00:11:53,160 to have a malfunctioning mind and that's when I truly became a brain health 464 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:53,170 when I truly became a brain health 465 00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:57,480 when I truly became a brain health advocate with therapy and medication and 466 00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:57,490 advocate with therapy and medication and 467 00:11:57,490 --> 00:12:00,720 advocate with therapy and medication and self-care life eventually returned to 468 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:00,730 self-care life eventually returned to 469 00:12:00,730 --> 00:12:02,250 self-care life eventually returned to whatever could be thought of as normal 470 00:12:02,250 --> 00:12:02,260 whatever could be thought of as normal 471 00:12:02,260 --> 00:12:05,850 whatever could be thought of as normal under the circumstances when I look back 472 00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:05,860 under the circumstances when I look back 473 00:12:05,860 --> 00:12:07,980 under the circumstances when I look back on all that had happened I could see 474 00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:07,990 on all that had happened I could see 475 00:12:07,990 --> 00:12:11,180 on all that had happened I could see that my son's spiral into dysfunction 476 00:12:11,180 --> 00:12:11,190 that my son's spiral into dysfunction 477 00:12:11,190 --> 00:12:13,470 that my son's spiral into dysfunction probably occurred over a period of about 478 00:12:13,470 --> 00:12:13,480 probably occurred over a period of about 479 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:17,360 probably occurred over a period of about two years plenty of time to get him help 480 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:17,370 two years plenty of time to get him help 481 00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:20,280 two years plenty of time to get him help if only someone had known that he needed 482 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:20,290 if only someone had known that he needed 483 00:12:20,290 --> 00:12:28,200 if only someone had known that he needed help and known what to do every time 484 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:28,210 help and known what to do every time 485 00:12:28,210 --> 00:12:31,410 help and known what to do every time someone asks me how could you not have 486 00:12:31,410 --> 00:12:31,420 someone asks me how could you not have 487 00:12:31,420 --> 00:12:34,760 someone asks me how could you not have known it feels like a punch in the gut 488 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:34,770 known it feels like a punch in the gut 489 00:12:34,770 --> 00:12:38,400 known it feels like a punch in the gut it carries accusations and taps into my 490 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:38,410 it carries accusations and taps into my 491 00:12:38,410 --> 00:12:41,100 it carries accusations and taps into my feelings of guilt that no matter how 492 00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:41,110 feelings of guilt that no matter how 493 00:12:41,110 --> 00:12:43,770 feelings of guilt that no matter how much therapy I've had I will never fully 494 00:12:43,770 --> 00:12:43,780 much therapy I've had I will never fully 495 00:12:43,780 --> 00:12:46,740 much therapy I've had I will never fully eradicate but here's something I've 496 00:12:46,740 --> 00:12:46,750 eradicate but here's something I've 497 00:12:46,750 --> 00:12:51,120 eradicate but here's something I've learned if love were enough to stop 498 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:51,130 learned if love were enough to stop 499 00:12:51,130 --> 00:12:53,250 learned if love were enough to stop someone who was suicidal from hurting 500 00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:53,260 someone who was suicidal from hurting 501 00:12:53,260 --> 00:12:56,400 someone who was suicidal from hurting themselves suicides would hardly ever 502 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:56,410 themselves suicides would hardly ever 503 00:12:56,410 --> 00:13:01,010 themselves suicides would hardly ever happen but love is not enough and 504 00:13:01,010 --> 00:13:01,020 happen but love is not enough and 505 00:13:01,020 --> 00:13:04,590 happen but love is not enough and suicide is prevalent it's the second 506 00:13:04,590 --> 00:13:04,600 suicide is prevalent it's the second 507 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,260 suicide is prevalent it's the second leading cause of death for people aged 508 00:13:07,260 --> 00:13:07,270 leading cause of death for people aged 509 00:13:07,270 --> 00:13:12,030 leading cause of death for people aged 10 to 34 and 15 percent of American 510 00:13:12,030 --> 00:13:12,040 10 to 34 and 15 percent of American 511 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,640 10 to 34 and 15 percent of American youths report having made a suicide plan 512 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:14,650 youths report having made a suicide plan 513 00:13:14,650 --> 00:13:18,030 youths report having made a suicide plan in the last year 514 00:13:18,030 --> 00:13:18,040 in the last year 515 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,820 in the last year I've learned that no matter how much we 516 00:13:20,820 --> 00:13:20,830 I've learned that no matter how much we 517 00:13:20,830 --> 00:13:24,360 I've learned that no matter how much we want to believe we can we cannot know 518 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:24,370 want to believe we can we cannot know 519 00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:26,820 want to believe we can we cannot know our control everything our loved ones 520 00:13:26,820 --> 00:13:26,830 our control everything our loved ones 521 00:13:26,830 --> 00:13:29,910 our control everything our loved ones think and feel and the stubborn belief 522 00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:29,920 think and feel and the stubborn belief 523 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,700 think and feel and the stubborn belief that we are somehow different that 524 00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:32,710 that we are somehow different that 525 00:13:32,710 --> 00:13:34,800 that we are somehow different that someone we love would never think of 526 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:34,810 someone we love would never think of 527 00:13:34,810 --> 00:13:38,220 someone we love would never think of hurting themselves or someone else can 528 00:13:38,220 --> 00:13:38,230 hurting themselves or someone else can 529 00:13:38,230 --> 00:13:40,860 hurting themselves or someone else can cause us to miss what's hidden in plain 530 00:13:40,860 --> 00:13:40,870 cause us to miss what's hidden in plain 531 00:13:40,870 --> 00:13:42,080 cause us to miss what's hidden in plain sight 532 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:42,090 sight 533 00:13:42,090 --> 00:13:46,620 sight and if worst-case scenarios do come to 534 00:13:46,620 --> 00:13:46,630 and if worst-case scenarios do come to 535 00:13:46,630 --> 00:13:47,750 and if worst-case scenarios do come to pass 536 00:13:47,750 --> 00:13:47,760 pass 537 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,280 pass we'll have to learn to forgive ourselves 538 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:50,290 we'll have to learn to forgive ourselves 539 00:13:50,290 --> 00:13:53,580 we'll have to learn to forgive ourselves for not knowing for not asking the right 540 00:13:53,580 --> 00:13:53,590 for not knowing for not asking the right 541 00:13:53,590 --> 00:13:54,390 for not knowing for not asking the right questions 542 00:13:54,390 --> 00:13:54,400 questions 543 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:59,370 questions are not finding the right treatment we 544 00:13:59,370 --> 00:13:59,380 are not finding the right treatment we 545 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,080 are not finding the right treatment we should always assume that someone we 546 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:01,090 should always assume that someone we 547 00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:05,580 should always assume that someone we love may be suffering regardless of what 548 00:14:05,580 --> 00:14:05,590 love may be suffering regardless of what 549 00:14:05,590 --> 00:14:09,060 love may be suffering regardless of what they say or how they act we should 550 00:14:09,060 --> 00:14:09,070 they say or how they act we should 551 00:14:09,070 --> 00:14:12,120 they say or how they act we should listen with our whole being without 552 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:12,130 listen with our whole being without 553 00:14:12,130 --> 00:14:15,000 listen with our whole being without judgment and without offering solutions 554 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:15,010 judgment and without offering solutions 555 00:14:15,010 --> 00:14:21,390 judgment and without offering solutions I know that I will live with this 556 00:14:21,390 --> 00:14:21,400 I know that I will live with this 557 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:24,090 I know that I will live with this tragedy with these multiple tragedies 558 00:14:24,090 --> 00:14:24,100 tragedy with these multiple tragedies 559 00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:27,990 tragedy with these multiple tragedies for the rest of my life I know that in 560 00:14:27,990 --> 00:14:28,000 for the rest of my life I know that in 561 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:34,260 for the rest of my life I know that in the minds of many what I lost can't 562 00:14:34,260 --> 00:14:34,270 the minds of many what I lost can't 563 00:14:34,270 --> 00:14:36,270 the minds of many what I lost can't compare to what the other families lost 564 00:14:36,270 --> 00:14:36,280 compare to what the other families lost 565 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:39,960 compare to what the other families lost I know my struggle doesn't make there's 566 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:39,970 I know my struggle doesn't make there's 567 00:14:39,970 --> 00:14:44,190 I know my struggle doesn't make there's any easier I know there are even some 568 00:14:44,190 --> 00:14:44,200 any easier I know there are even some 569 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:47,040 any easier I know there are even some who think I don't have the right to any 570 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:47,050 who think I don't have the right to any 571 00:14:47,050 --> 00:14:50,460 who think I don't have the right to any pain but only to a life of permanent 572 00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:50,470 pain but only to a life of permanent 573 00:14:50,470 --> 00:14:55,320 pain but only to a life of permanent penance in the end what I know comes 574 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:55,330 penance in the end what I know comes 575 00:14:55,330 --> 00:14:59,670 penance in the end what I know comes down to this the tragic fact is that 576 00:14:59,670 --> 00:14:59,680 down to this the tragic fact is that 577 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,280 down to this the tragic fact is that even the most vigilant and responsible 578 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:02,290 even the most vigilant and responsible 579 00:15:02,290 --> 00:15:07,290 even the most vigilant and responsible of us may not be able to help but for 580 00:15:07,290 --> 00:15:07,300 of us may not be able to help but for 581 00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:11,340 of us may not be able to help but for love sakes we must never stop trying to 582 00:15:11,340 --> 00:15:11,350 love sakes we must never stop trying to 583 00:15:11,350 --> 00:15:15,990 love sakes we must never stop trying to know the unknowable thank you